Wow....my scale made me smile today......

152.9!!!! YES - Still a fat number.........but I haven't been this low for two years so I was thrilled today. Thrilled. I believe that staying with my sister during the past few weeks M-F has REALLY helped me out. She discovered my mia when we lived together and so I knew that there was no way in hell I could ever purge at her new apt. She would be watching me and snap at the slightest thought that I was vomiting at her house. That's a big no no....... so in turn I haven't been eating barely anything and when I do eat a chug a can of pop or a water so I can barely fit anything else in my slowly shrinking stomach. Yay. I feel in control for once. I must hold on to this control for dear life. Weekends are of course the worst for me....here's the usual run down: Fridays - I usually spend with my gf and her kids and of course......eat eat eat. Eat dinner with them....nit picks off her kids snacks here and there and that DAMN three am dash to Taco bell for a meatless cheesy gordita crunch loaded w/ Fire Sauce. Ughhhhh. At least she knows about my ED and gladly lets me puke up whatever I want at her house. She herself has had struggles with Mia and I believe still pukes from time to time but mostly has her shit under wraps. Now in my opinion that's a TRUE friend. Someone who knows who you are and what you are and is concerned and tries to help at times but ultimately still loves your puking, laxie shitting ass to death and never passes a smidgen of judgement. God I love that girl. Saturday - I get home from Britt's (above mentioned bestie) mid to late afternoon, maybe do some cleaning or laundry and run to red box for a few dvd's. All day as I go about my tasks I periodically cry in the bathroom, the hallway, the front porch, wherever. Sneak chugs of cheap Merlot. Smoke a hitter. Try to fade away. My mom asks whats wrong. I say LIFE IS WHAT IS WRONG. I chug water or pop and immediately puke it up in a desperate desire to feel better even if just for a second. See the wine/pop blend in the toilet and gets pissed that I wasted alcohol. Repeat as often as necessary. Lay in bed half drunk/half high/half on the verge of suicide and watch the comedies I rented. Yes oddly comedies......no I don't laugh.....but I think if I rented any other genre I would fall to pieces from emotion. Drift in and out of sleep..... Sunday - Wake up at about 6:30 am feeling like shit from Saturday. Cry. Smoke a hitter. Open the fridge to find something to eat cuz I feel like passing out. Take a pan from the cabinet. Its too heavy. My depression has made my arms useless. Put the pan back. Cry. Chug wine. Go back to bed to watch the ending of the movie I fell asleep to last night. Then I spend the rest of the day roaming around my house in my pajamas and robe with hair I haven't washed since Friday cuz frankly...whats the point of showering if I'm not leaving the house? Yes....sometimes it happens. Gross. But I could care less. It's quite sad....I just re-read my weekend run down and it LITERALLY is the same every weekend. Nothing ever changes. I NEVER CHANGE. I am determined to hit 150 on Friday morning weigh in. I def think I can attain the goal but I am soo worried I will ruin it over the weekend. I'll have to really Bronk it up this weekend. I'll be so cracked out there is no way I'll think about eating. I just HATE taking uppers. But if it benefits my waist line then it must be done. It must be. Well ladies have a fab day and I'll check in tmarrow.