Can't see the sun beyond the rain today....ugh.
Day started good I was super happy. Then I had to cancel on a family party for the 4th time since March bc I am too ashamed and embarrased to admit I fucked up my life again. Which is shitty and makes me cry even right now as I type because I miss my gma and my family and I know myself......I will push them so far away they wont exist anymore. And then something terrible will happen....like my gma dying or something and I'll hate myself even more for being so dumb and not visiting her. Regret Regret Regret.
I also finally received my boots.....and my fat foot didnt fit into them. Doesn't matter no one even said whether they liked them or not, I forget even in Blog world I am still VERY ALONE and in denial that I actually have some fucking online friends bc my life is too pathetic to have real ones. Shame on you Jamie.
I've learned: Don't rely on someone else's actions/feelings/thoughts to make me happy. Friends are fake and bullshit. Most family is too. Make myself happy? It may be possible. But not today. And prob not tmarrow either. Maybe I'll start cutting again......who the fuck cares if my whole body is scarred up.....no one would ever want to ACTUALLY look at my fat disgusting excuse for a body anyways. Or my face. Setting myself on fire has never looked more appealing.
Stay thin, Overdose, Go fuck 50 Men, Shoot up, whatever.......
Who cares if were fucked up....as long as we're thin RIGHT?!?!?!
Day started good I was super happy. Then I had to cancel on a family party for the 4th time since March bc I am too ashamed and embarrased to admit I fucked up my life again. Which is shitty and makes me cry even right now as I type because I miss my gma and my family and I know myself......I will push them so far away they wont exist anymore. And then something terrible will happen....like my gma dying or something and I'll hate myself even more for being so dumb and not visiting her. Regret Regret Regret.
I also finally received my boots.....and my fat foot didnt fit into them. Doesn't matter no one even said whether they liked them or not, I forget even in Blog world I am still VERY ALONE and in denial that I actually have some fucking online friends bc my life is too pathetic to have real ones. Shame on you Jamie.
I've learned: Don't rely on someone else's actions/feelings/thoughts to make me happy. Friends are fake and bullshit. Most family is too. Make myself happy? It may be possible. But not today. And prob not tmarrow either. Maybe I'll start cutting again......who the fuck cares if my whole body is scarred up.....no one would ever want to ACTUALLY look at my fat disgusting excuse for a body anyways. Or my face. Setting myself on fire has never looked more appealing.
Stay thin, Overdose, Go fuck 50 Men, Shoot up, whatever.......
Who cares if were fucked up....as long as we're thin RIGHT?!?!?!
Oh...c'mon, you don't mean that! I feel like that sometimes, too. But it passes, and you know it does. Cutting yourself may feel good now, but when you look back you won't remember how good it felt then. It's not about other people looking at your scars, it's about you seeing the scars. Forever. Get fit for you and no one else. Otherwise, what's the point?
ReplyDeleteStay safe. <3
The reason I like your blog is that you tell it like it is. You don't sugarcoat. It's real. I love it.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I hate to see you so depressed! I know cutting's tempting but it won't make you thinner, it won't make you happier, and it won't make the world a better place. So why do it? Go for a run or something to vent your frustrations, take out your anger in productive ways. I hope you feel better soon. Chin up, there's nowhere but up from here right?
Love, G
P.S. Don't get too down about the shoes not fitting. I think I commented on the last post, Aldo shoes run small, the 11s don't fit me either, so I just don't even enter the store anymore.
P.P.S. I know you feel alone. And like "cyber" friends aren't real friends, and I guess in a way we're not, but we're here for you as much as we can be through a screen and a keyboard. We understand a lot of what you're going through, and that's what matters, it's real.