Fuck

Hi Ladies. It's been a long 6 days since we last spoke. Life is hell right now.

I am drowning in debt. What do I do? Go to Chicago over the weekend and get so fucked up on nasal drugs that I start partying on Firday and come into relization Saturday at 8pm...do it all over again...take a train home late Sunday night...leave work early Monday because I am vomiting in my trash can under my desk.......re-coop....all to end up back here, at the end, or the beginning, again, more broke than I was before. Oh, and lets not forget.......still fat. Drug binge pointless. Nose and skin chapped. I look terrible

Besides weed, after this court BS I am not doing drugs anymore. I hate them. I love them. It's a terrible spiral of emotional and finanical problems. I wish I never snorted my first line.

On the MAYBE positive...I have had 2 job interviews at a local sports bar for a 2nd part time job. They were supposed to call me back today...they haven't yet. Let's not kid ourselves.....who wants my fat ass in shorts serving patrons anyways?

I want to be thin. I want people to look at me and be worried and scared for me. I WANT A REASON TO LIVE. I want a reason to die. I want to feel bones. I want to feel numb. I want to throw my god damn fridge over my balcony. I want to slit my wrists and hang myself in the middle of my bathroom. All I ever do is want want never and never get get get anything. The thin thing - my fault. Okay fine.

I might be seldom around lately. I might plague my blog with posts like none other. I don't know what I feel or how I feel or how TO FEEL. FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I want to rip my flesh off my on body and scream until I have no voice. I can't take this pathetic failure of a life anymore. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!