Fuck Me, and My Fat Gut

Well it happened..........we fucked last night. So much for waiting. I really wanted to wait at least a month before I slept with him because everytime I fuck a guy in the beginning, our time together turns into 'all sex, all the time' and when that gets old bye bye boyfriend. He tried to go down my pants earlier in the night as I told him no and he was fine with it. I told him the first night I ever stayed over that he need not think just because we sleep in the same bed means that he is going to get laid. He said he was fine with it. I know it's going to sound like stupid girl syndrome after I say this, but just from the way he treats me and stuff I believe him. I really think he is okay with it. So last night he asks me "If I promise you I won't try anything, will you please stay with me tonight? I want to hold you..." Well ladies, how the hell do you say no to that after you have been single for the past four years?? You don't, you don't WANT to say no. So I stay and we go to bed and well, making turns into him getting a big hard on, which in turns make me feel guilty that he might suffer from a case of blue balls if I don't do anything. That is my problem. I FEEL BAD if I don't please the guy, no matter how I feel or what my relationship aspirations may be at the time. So as I think in my head "oh fucking great.....*sigh*" I decide that I HAVE TO at least give him head to take care of this issue and then everything will be fine. Don't get me wrong, I am one of few girls that legitimately loves giving head, but for christ sake 30 minutes went by and he still hadn't busted yet....

***SIDE NOTE: Usually I would not be bothered by this, I do not rush oral or sex, but in this situation I knew that since he was one of the guys that was able to 'go' for a long time (which is awesome, once again no confusion), this head was either going to go on until sunrise of we would have to fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK I thought.

So I make the decision to just fuck him. 1. I felt like maybe I wasn't giving him good head (which is BS because I give great head..lol) or 2. I really don't fucking know. So I go to start fucking him and he says 'I don't want us to have sex if your not ready, it's ok' and right then I wanted to be like 'well of course I DO, you're fucking hot and I love sex, but yes, I'm not ready to ruin this, what is the happiest thing in my life right now.' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ACTUALLY SAY THAT THOUGH..? Especially when his dick in already pretty much inside you...? You don't. So yeah we fucked (it was fucking great sex though despite my feelings), and then we fucked again, and then smoked a cig and took a shower together. He was very re-assuring that this was not going to change us and that he really cares for me and that his constant thought of me make him that happiest he has been in years. But of course, even though I want to believe him 150%, I am still 70/30 because I have heard all of that BS a million fucks before him. Oh, and the 30% being the part of me that believes him.

Now on to my Fat Gut - well I stated my insecurities about my fat body being infront of him when we were naked in my last post. My game plan was "I will make in fall in love with me before he sees me naked and all with be butterflies and daiseys." WRONG. SO there I was with my huge thighs, muffin top and mock 'after baby' stomach fat all hanging out for him and his bathroom nick nacks to see. Gad Dammit. Both plans were completely out the window. Basically now I have to really buckle down and loose 30 pounds in a month or by tomorrow which we all know won't happen because of 1. my shitty ana track record and 2. it's impossible to loose 30 pounds in 24 hours unless it is sucked out of my body via tube in a surgeon's office. Shit.

I sit here at my desk filled with fat, confused, sad and happy emotions. I wipe away the tears that run down my face. Just when I though I might be happy, I'm even sadder than I was before I met him.