Seriously.......?

Right of the bat let me say today I have eaten:

1 cup Oatmeal - 150
1 banana - 100
soup - 100

Fuck me 350 and I still want to eat...it's only 1pm. I knew I shoulda said FUCK the banana......idiot.

Anywho - Today my emotions are like woahahaha....up and down. I am sorry that this blog is now about this new boy in my life but he ties in directly with all my insecurities. So....last night I stayed by his place after I got off work. We drank some vodka but not enough to get drunk and stood out on his balcony having serious conversations. I know I sound like a fool. I have officially known this guy for 9 days and I'm drooling over him like an idiot. So far, he is still The Perfect Man....damn him. Basically yesterday we both came clean about our demons and skeletons and I mean EVERYTHING. He was so understanding about my depression and the fact that I'm an alcoholic/addict and always will be even though I don't do drugs anymore and I drink occasionally when I have the time. The only thing I didn't tell him was Miss #1 secret - ana and mia. Those are mine forever and he need not bother me with all the blah blah blah food bullshit. I can take care of that on my own, thank you. However he does know I am insecure about my body and I keep telling him I need to get skinny for him before he realizes how disgusting I am....Suttle....I know. He just holds me and kisses me and tells me I'm beautiful and he wouldn't change a thing on me. Seriously....I then again state....The Perfect Man. Sometimes I wonder if men who have children (which he does - hannah 5 and Logan 6 FREAKING love the kids they rock!!) aren't so picky about their women because they have already had a gf or wife that has been fat, pregnant, sweaty and stretch mark covered? All I know is this guy is so freaking genuine it scares the shit outta me and I actually told him I cried over him the other day because I was scared as shit about how nice he was. Stupid girl. What does he do? Holds me, kisses and and tell me not to push him away because he thinks that we could be something really amazing together........jesus christ Mr. Perfect, would you please stop saying all the right things right now? Like he calls me every day at 8am to say good morning and then at noon to tell me he misses me and is thinking about me. Then we talk befire I go to work because he wants to tell me "have a good night, make lots of money, I can't wait to hold you again..." Seriously....? You are everything I ever wanted.

Okay so here is where it get fucked up. So last night we went to bed at like 2am and of course ended up having sex, like alot of sex, and the next thing we know his beep-beep nextel shit is going off and it's his co-worker (he is a foreman for a construction company) telling him he will be there to pick him up in 15 minutes. What...? We look at the clock and it's 5:15 am! I literally had sex for like 3 hours non-stop. It was fucking awesome. However, after we realized that we were both headed to work with no sleep, we decided to take a shower together and get out the door. After the shower we stood there in his bathroom sharing a cigarette looking at out fat naked bodies in the mirrror!! WHAT? He is not fat at all. I am fat. But I couldn't believe I was standing there completely naked in the light and watched him look at my disgusting body, and I didn't freak out. I just smoked the smoke and chilled. Which now makes me completely paranoid because 1. WOW, he's really seen it all and 2. I actually realized that he accepts me for me and 3. Realizing he accepts me makes me want to be okay and go out to eat with him and stuff which is completely wrong and fucked up and GOD DAMIT JAMIE YOU BETTER NOT GET RELATIONSHIP FAT OR YOUR'E DONE.

So long story short....I am completely giddy with happiness and totally enraged, all at the same time. :)