Hey there,
I don't know what sparked me today, but I actually feel like blogging a bit.
The past week has been easy but hard. As usual, I find myself totally fat, miserable and depressed but cannot communicate the feelings from my head and heart to my eyes, hands, feet and stomach. Once again I am trapped in my own disgusting body. I caught an accidental glimpse of myself in the reflection of my office confernce room glass walls a minute ago. "Holy shit, that's you Jamie!" Is the first thing that came to mind. I keep kicking myself in the ass. If I could just stop binging and giving into temptation I could be the beautiful person I has always craved to be. I thinking back again to when I started this blog: if I just could have gotten some god damn will power I could have made it to my GW by now. I could be sitting here at 118, not this fat blob. At times I had heard people say they didn't realize how much weight they were putting on until it was on. I am not making excuses for myself, I have a scale, I have a gym, the equation is easy. But the thing of it is, I beleive for the first time today I saw, like REALLY SAW, the reflection that people see when they look at me. I know I'm fat and disgusting, but I didn't realize the level is has become. I'm sitting at my desk in my office crying like a baby. I tell myself: 'stop crying, stop feeling bad for yoursef fatty, you did this to your body.' And it's so true and their is no room for self remorse. I'm weak, fat and pathetic. No long or short story to it.
Sometimes when I'm in a car, windows down with air storming through my hair, I feel free, I feel light. I wish I would just blow away into a million pieces of weightless dust. I wish I could just die already.
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I remember the first time I relaized just how fat I'd gotten by that time I was tipping at around 205 lbs gross I know. Anyway I cried for days about it so don't beat yourself up too much for crying sometimes that's just the thing you need to get going again. I personally think you look beautiful and I wish I was at your weight right now. I know you can reach your goals hun.
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