Oh My Jesus, What the Hell

SO - I have good and bad things to report today. What to start with? The bad. Because I feel so bad.

So yesterday I was feeling depressed about Nate. So after work I decided to buy his favorite cheap wine Fortissimo and go home and get drunk. And oh boy, did I get drunk. As usual ,things started off happy for me. I decided to whip out the cook book and make a recipe I never had before. (You will notice as I blog more that when i am frustrated or sad or mad I clean or cook for my sister). Well we only had the ingredients to make dumpling so I settled on that and decided I would make my sister dinner since she was at work all night and would probably be hungry when she got home. Aren't I the best sister? JK. Anywho~ so here I am cooking and cleaning and getting more and more drunk and dancing around my apartment and posting shit to Facebook via my cell phone and just having a gay old time for the first couple hours. Then it happened. The MELTDOWN. I mean I get depressed and cry and go crazy about shit but this was a world exploding, sky falling, eyes bleeding MELTDOWN. I was heaving I was sobbing so hard. I was on the phone with my friends Sean just crying and sobbing about how I messed up the my life and my relationship and how I'm ugly and it even got to the level where I started hysterical crying about how I don't want kids because I think I am an evil person inside and my kids would hate me and I would hate them and how this world is fucked and I'm the biggest loser I've ever met...etc etc. I haven't had a breakdown like this in a long time. AND THEN......OF COURSE.....

I call Nate. GOD DAMMIT JAMIE. Although I was upset our conversation was fine and I just stated the usual stuff about how much I love him and miss him and want him back and how sorry I am and blah blah fucking blah. Mid conversation he had to answer and important call that came in and said he would call me right back. In that time I had turned on depressing music and sprawled myself out in the middle of the living room floor laying on my back and sobbing. He called. I didn't answer. He called again. I didn't answer. I don't know what compels me to play these childish games. So then five minutes after he calls I decided I wanted to talk to him again and I called him. No answer. Called again. No answer. I called another three times. No answer. In turn- I went into psycho mode. Started hysterical crying again. Now by this point things in my memory got really fucking fuzzy. The last I remember is my sister coming home to find me wasted laying on the living room floor crumbled in an emotional mess. We talked for a minute. Then we went to bed.

Or so I thought. Fuck

I woke up at 5:45 am this morning and couldn't find my phone in any of its usual spot. (And it's always in it's spots because I am addicted to my cell phone and I might as well say I only have one useful hand because the other one is always holding my phone) I got up and searched around and ended up finding it in my closet between two folded sweaters......wtf? I ALWAYS sleep with my phone in my bed, what the hell is it doing 'hiding' in the closet?? Maybe I made a drunken attempt to hide the phone from myself? Who the hell knows...

So I call Nate and he didn't answer at first but called me back like 5 minutes later. Our conversation went:

Me: Why didn't you call me back last night?
Nate: What are you talking about?
Me: You let me go to answer that call and you never got back to me.
Nate: Jamie, you freaked the fuck out on me last night. You don't remember?
Me: What? What are you talking about?
Nate: We were talking and having a nice conversation about the possibilities of us getting back together one day and all of a sudden you snapped and started screaming at me about being with another girl, telling me to 'go fuck my whore' and 'I hope you get nasty STD you piece of shit' and a lot of other things that were uncalled for. What the hell is going on with you? What, you don't remember?

(**SIDE NOTE: No, I didn't remember. Even now I have no clue when or where this convo took place. Nate doesn't know I was drinking. He thinks I was sober so now I have to convince him to believe some ridiculous lie about my meds causing memory loss, AGAIN. This is not the first time I've done this.)

Me: No, Nate I don't remember I am so sorry I acted that way. I am sure when I go crazy on you it reinforces why you don't want to be with me. That was not nice or fair that I did that to you and I'm soo sorry.
Nate: Yeah Jamie, I'm not seeing anyone. I was so confused why you snapped. How the hell do you not remember our convo it was like 20 minutes long?
Me: I dunno Nate. I took my Seroquel last night and I haven't taken it in like 3 weeks. That is the only way I can explain it. It's not okay for me to act like that and it scares me that I don't remember. My sister and I fight sometimes because I do weird shit I don't remember when i take it.
Nate: Yeah that's pretty fucked up.
Me: Well again, I'm so sorry I flipped on you. I know your trying to get out the door for work though so I'll let you go.
Nate: Okay. I'll call you later, maybe. Bye
Me: Bye

FUCK FUCK FUCK MEEEEE!!! I work so hard to give him space and send him songs to miss me and la la la and then I go and get drunk and fucking ruin all my hard work. GOD DAMN. These freak outs are a constant reminder to him why he broke up with me. I can only imagine the thoughts that run through his head. "What a fat stupid crazy bitch. I'm so glad I got rid of that broad!"

My heart breaks......... :( I'm so sad today. And I feel bloated as hell. Boo.

Okay I guess now I must move on to the small dabble of good news I have: 173.4. Whoopie Doopie. I would like to believe that I'm actually in the 172's because I was so fricken hungry this morning since I ate nothing yesterday (that's another good piece of news) that I made an egg sandwich, ate it, purged some of it, then weighed. I should have weighed before breakfast. Oh well. I'll see tomorrow.

So besides the egg sandwich, my bfast also included two Bronkaid, 4 laxies and an Alli pill. Honestly though, I just want to eat everything in the world right now. I am always in binge eating mode the day after binge drinking. Why the hell do I do this to myself? My plan for the rest of the day is to not eat a damn thing (which I know I'll fail at) and workout when I get home (which I know I'll fail at because I think it I did anything besides weight lifting I might vomit). Okay reevaluating goals - Eat a soup for lunch, walk home for 30 minutes, do weights and go to bed. Reasonable and reachable.

Holy long post. I'm outtie ladies. Stay tunned and stay thin. Love You all!