I'm so fucking fat and depressed. Didn't weigh again. Dont even want to see the numbers. I've been eating like a fucking cow. Moo.
Sometimes I wonder why people don't really read my blog or leave me comments (except for my lovely Kelly). Hmm....duh jamie no one cares about you and your fat problems. Everyone is sick of hearing your bitching. Everyone is sick of watching you make yourself into an even bigger fatter sloath. You're not worth worring about dumbass!!!
So far today I've eaten about 5 bagels (4 with cream cheese), and egg, two pieces of bacon and a hashbrown. Oh, and a veggie patty on toast with BBq sauce. I've already vommited 11 times today and it's only noon. *Sorry to the young punk who cleans the parking lot at Einstein's bagels. That pile of vomit in the third parking spot from the door was from me - THATS RIGHT, I VOMMITED IN FRONT OF THE BAGEL STORE IN PLAIN FUCKING SITE*
All I can think about right now is for the next hour to pass so I can take my 30 minute lunch break. I plan on buying a 5 dollar pizza from Little Ceasers and eating the whole thing in my car with a Double Big Gulp of Diet Coke. Then I will puke it all up and hate myself even more than I already do right now.
I need to stop binging. I need to stop drinking. I need to START running.
I just need to die already.
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I can't speak for others, but I know I've read a lot of girls mention they have a tough time reading about b/p episodes because they are triggering for them, but who knows. & you know people care, it's just hard sometimes to figure out what to say.
ReplyDeleteI don't think death is the answer - scratch that, I KNOW death is not the answer.
but you probably should stop binging, & if you cut back on drinking it could help you to cut back on binging and, of course you know, I'm always promoting running. Running is fucking, fabulous and most days will make you feel fucking fabulous too.
I was you, 2 or 3 years ago, I feel your pain, it's so familiar it's terrifying, but you have to know it gets better. I put a lot of work into learning to manage my feelings towards people & food, I'm still working on my body, but it's getting there. I wish I knew exactly what to say that would help you find a path to something better, but I guess we all just have to find our own way, don't we?
Just know I'll be reading & supporting you all the way.
Thanks so much hun!
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