Binged again last night. Oh and conveniently I think my scale is on the fritz bc its taking a lot longer for the digital numbers to lock in and the numbers are slightly inconsistent. GREAT FUCKING GREAT U PIECE OF SHIT. DON'T U KNOW THAT YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND UNTIL U DON'T WORK AFTER A BINGE. I disown u scale. On to a new one...........
So my new fattyness is between 150.6 and 151.7. GRRRRRR
On the totally excited side - today is my "going away" party at my besties. Basically saying bye bye to the Jamie I love and know more than ever. It's only temporary, she will be back, but I am sure sad to see her go.... :( "Party-in-a-fat-suit" Jamie is WAY more fun than "blah...u suck cuz your sober" Jamie. Yes I know. I'm sad. Pathetic. A loser. I'll be the first one to admit it. I can't handle the voices in my head so I drowned them with booze and make them OD on pills. Shove blunts in their mouths. Put straws in their noses and needles in their arms. Whatever makes them SHUT THE FUCK UP. And I'm quite "happy" living this way. Or was. Since I'm being forced to stop ONCE AGAIN. Thanks legal system. Thanks "Party-in-a-fat-suit" Jamie. (I literally love the person I hate bc she gets her in trouble.) And as I continue to make no sense i'll dot dot dot my way to another rant............
How much $$$ does one beside to spend on blow on her last night....also considering she has a mock Easter afternoon with her mother the next day. Does one say fuck it and blow 100 bc its her last day or does one stay responsible bc they know otherwise they will blow the F UP on her poor mother the next day over eggs beney or something? hmmm.........maybe I should ask my lawyer since he seems to 'know everything'....I'd love to take video of myself and text it to him saying "OOOPS....there goes ur next payment straight to the brain!!!"
Excuse the jumping around - I cant stop thinking about my lack of control this week. Like FUCK. I was sooo depressed and so sad at Jen's I had no appetite and if i did i wasn't eating bc I wasn't puking and now UUUUGHHH. As i described in last post: being happy and at my own home could ruin my waistline more. SHIT. I need to gain control. I keep telling myself that after i quit weed Monday all will be fine and restored again and butterflies and daisies and shit will appear fresh under my window sill every morning but LETS FACE IT: I will be bored. I will eat. I was so GD close to the 140's!!!!!
OK OK. Calm down. U are still close. U will be there Monday. Shock your family at Easter. Do coke all weekend and starve. GOD DAMMIT GET BACK ON YOUR BRONKAID. phew.....okay. I think ill survive.
Good luck to everyone over the holiday weekend. Smash a Cadbury Egg.
Loves.
So my new fattyness is between 150.6 and 151.7. GRRRRRR
On the totally excited side - today is my "going away" party at my besties. Basically saying bye bye to the Jamie I love and know more than ever. It's only temporary, she will be back, but I am sure sad to see her go.... :( "Party-in-a-fat-suit" Jamie is WAY more fun than "blah...u suck cuz your sober" Jamie. Yes I know. I'm sad. Pathetic. A loser. I'll be the first one to admit it. I can't handle the voices in my head so I drowned them with booze and make them OD on pills. Shove blunts in their mouths. Put straws in their noses and needles in their arms. Whatever makes them SHUT THE FUCK UP. And I'm quite "happy" living this way. Or was. Since I'm being forced to stop ONCE AGAIN. Thanks legal system. Thanks "Party-in-a-fat-suit" Jamie. (I literally love the person I hate bc she gets her in trouble.) And as I continue to make no sense i'll dot dot dot my way to another rant............
How much $$$ does one beside to spend on blow on her last night....also considering she has a mock Easter afternoon with her mother the next day. Does one say fuck it and blow 100 bc its her last day or does one stay responsible bc they know otherwise they will blow the F UP on her poor mother the next day over eggs beney or something? hmmm.........maybe I should ask my lawyer since he seems to 'know everything'....I'd love to take video of myself and text it to him saying "OOOPS....there goes ur next payment straight to the brain!!!"
Excuse the jumping around - I cant stop thinking about my lack of control this week. Like FUCK. I was sooo depressed and so sad at Jen's I had no appetite and if i did i wasn't eating bc I wasn't puking and now UUUUGHHH. As i described in last post: being happy and at my own home could ruin my waistline more. SHIT. I need to gain control. I keep telling myself that after i quit weed Monday all will be fine and restored again and butterflies and daisies and shit will appear fresh under my window sill every morning but LETS FACE IT: I will be bored. I will eat. I was so GD close to the 140's!!!!!
OK OK. Calm down. U are still close. U will be there Monday. Shock your family at Easter. Do coke all weekend and starve. GOD DAMMIT GET BACK ON YOUR BRONKAID. phew.....okay. I think ill survive.
Good luck to everyone over the holiday weekend. Smash a Cadbury Egg.
Loves.
We were gonna buy a bunch of blow last night, but we ended up going with our usual, perc 30s. Completely different things, but I'm not picky as long as I'm fucked up really. Drugs is drugs as long as they reduce my appetite. It makes me sad that even in recovery I can't help but get excited about things that suppress my appetite. Chain smoking as we speak :). We bought about 40, sold 30 for a 5 dollar profit a piece and did 5 each. Probably shouldn't say that on here but fuck it. It was a good night and I have no regrets even though we will be broke soon. The BF bought me a big chocolate bunny which makes me really happy and really stressed out at the same. I love him and I love chocolate but as you may have guessed I hate the calories that chocolate contains. Always will no matter how "recovered" I am.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with Easter this weekend. I'm happy because I'm living far away from my side of the family and B isn't close with his family, except his dad who is in FL right now, so no feasts to worry about. Just that amazing, terrifying chocolate bunny.
PS. No worries, you will be in the 140s so so soon.
Hang in there girl,
<3 Jenny
Wow, your blog is so interested! Which pill do you notice gives you the best stop to cravings for food? I've done some before, & I've smoked a lot but that gives me munchies & I won't have that! So I was wondering if you had any suggestions of shit to try? I hope things are working out better for you, & your scale is cooperating! xo A
ReplyDeleteI never trusted digital scales. Get a cheapo rotary one! I feel like anything that doesn't need batteries should be more accurate.
ReplyDelete(Of course that could be because digital scales always say I weigh more than rotary ones...)
Black pudding is pork sausage that has been soaked in blood so that when you cook it, it's black. IT'S THE MOST DELICIOUS THHING EVER. :D
xoxoxo