My Black Whole

Me weight is back down but I still feel like a big fat looser.

As I usually have in my life, I find myself again in my black whole. Everything appeared to be getting better emotionally for me these past couple months; my meds seemed to be really helping. But now, now I'm back in that same place but my emotions only followed me half way. I sit on the couch everyday of the week, alone, drinking, completely miserable. I want to cry but can't. My body won't let me. I know it's my meds and this is why I went off them years ago. But I need my precious Seroquel so their is no way in hell I'm stopping again. When I am ready to jump off my balcony I just take that cute little pink pill with some straight vodka or rum and about 30 minutes later I'm blacked out into la la land. Or just nothing land. I great place where I have no feeling, no life, just nothing. I don't dream or have nightmares. It's like taking a mini suicide vacation and just escape. I do consider going off my Celexa though. The prescriptions are cheap so I will still fill them and just hoard the meds in case I run out of my Seroquel. It has a sleepy side effect to them so usually if I take about 2 or 3 I can pass out. Thank the heavens for pharmies.......

Speaking of, I need to call my psych and set up and appointment with her. I canceled my last one because I didn't have a ride. This visit will be important. I am going to tell her about my black whole and tell her I'm not sleeping again anymore (an obvious lie) in hopes that she will up my dosage of my S. This way I can abuse the meds like I want to. Especially on the weekends. I'd like to be able to sleep right through them and not have to feel at all. Then I wouldn't have the temptation to eat either. It would be perfect. I'm so fucking lonely and depressed......

To update on the food & exercise front:

Yesterday went VERY well. I didn't eat all day and got home from the library at 9pm. My sister and I had two episodes of hills to watch so we hung out together and chilled. I drank a Miller chill and relaxed. Then my sister started munching and I tried to resist and failed. I made a cheese sandwich and had a handful of the new Midnight Doritos (which are fucking fire they are so good). I made sure to eat my sandwich in very small bites and I drank a Diet Orange Sunkist soda with it for puking reasons. Puking was not easy though. My sis like followed me with her eyes to the bathroom. I knew I had to be SUPER quiet because I could sense that she was listening. I took longer than usual puking it up but I think I got most of it. My sister was just staring at me when i came out. I didn't know what she was thinking. Honestly, I didn't even care.
She went to bed and I poured myself a stiff drink. Took my meds and floated away.

I have AA tonight. That will put a damper on my 'sit on the couch and get drunk' ritual. Fuck. I need a ride to the liquor store.

Hope everyone is well.