A World Of MESS

WARNING.....THE LONGEST POST OF MY BLOGGING LIFE. BRACE YOURSELF.

Alright,

I have been religiously watching British movies on you tube about anorexia. My thoughts now have an accent. I also have officially watched every movie ever made about ED's. I feel accomplished. They were great. Whoever created you tube - I fucking LOVE YOU.

I am 152 todayand was 155 yesterday. NICE. Haven't worked out since the challenge started Monday. Been getting shitty wasted every night and drunk dialing as usual. I also have developed a new obsession for recording video's of myself dancing or talking or whatever and sending them to my friends, especially my two ana/mia girls.

Clementine and Anastasia, I would be completely lost without you. Sorry I call you guys drunk freaking out about my fat arms and what not. Although we have never met I feel closer to you than any of my friends and you guys understand me like no one else. I hope one day you will drunk dial me. I love you both with every ounce of my being.

Leelu - I am sooo glad we became friends. I wish I could text you and send you all my craziness just like my other two girls. Damn international barrier. I hold your wonderful words of advice and encouragement close to my heart. You are an amazing and beautiful person. I love you with every ounce of my being.

Now....onto my additional World of MESS....

Another war broke out between me and the sis. I will refer to her from now on as some swear world or FATTY or a plain 'her' when I'm not so enraged. This is worse than when she found my blog. She started this war over something so dumb and it's sooo fucking on. She thinks she can top me? FUCK NO. YOU FORGET JEN THAT I'M A WHITE TRASH DELUSIONAL BITCH (as she so sweetly called me yesterday). I know I have issues, but at least I fucking admit them and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. She just sits on her fat ass criticizing everyone else. Funny how all your friends talk shit about you and you have no relationship with our family...but it's them, not you??? WHO IS FUCKING DELUSIONAL???? YOU.

This all started bc she owes my mom money and refuses to answer her calls. When this happens my mom calls me and bitches at me about her and then wants me to play messenger. I have done this for years. When I relay the message to FATTY she screams at me. So about a month ago a slammed the brakes on this whole bowl of BS and told my mom that if she calls me and even mentions FATTY and the money she owes her, I will politely hang up the fucking phone. In an attempt to get myself out of the middle of this shit between them, I made this suggestions to my mother.

"If you have a bill for her and she wont answer your calls, simply mail it to her at are apartment like the rest of the debt collectors in the world. I wash my hands of this."

My mother actually thought it was a good idea and did exactly that. The letter for my sister arrived this week and I told her that their was something from mom in the mail box for her. Right away she starts verbally stabbing at my mum (who we don't live with so she) and calling her a stupid bitch and I stuck up for my poor mother. I told her it was my idea bc I was sick of being in the middle of them. This made 'FATTY the atom bomb' explode. She sister is completely irrational and has a terrible thyroid and does not take her meds bc she is an idiot. Her thyroid disorder makes her mood swings insane. Like worse then a schizo with bi-polar.

***Side note: To any of my readers with these disorders, I am not passing any judgement. Please don't be offended. I love you all. I'm one of you as well. Just trying to express the 'swings.' Hope we are all still friends. :)

Anyways, FATTY explodes. I'm not going to go into every detail because it would take me 3 hours to write this blog and frankly, I have a British sitcom I'm in the middle of, but she was ridiculous. As before mentioned, she called me a white trash delusional bitch. A cunt. A psycho. She threw my depression in my face. She brought up my ED and even made the comment "Hurry up, go get drunk and puke up something." She brought up my court issues. She basically degraded me in anyway possible. Funny I use this analogy but it was the only one I could think of: Do you go into a ED treatment center and start calling people fat? HELL NO. How could she throw my depression and ED in my face like that? They are problems, not choices. I don't choose to hate life, food and myself. IT CHOSE ME. She would NEVER say that to one of her friends no matter how mad she got. And she said it to her only sister. Baby sister even. And all over a suggestion of having my mother mail her a bill? Are you god damn serious? And then she has the nerve to tell me via text later that day (she fucking harassed me at work all day) that she will never forgive me and I hurt her so bad. WHAT????? I don't even understand her thought process. This whole time she is screaming at me I stood motionless, stunned, BEWILDERED. I could possibly understand her saying these mean things to me if I was doing the same back but I said nothing ladies. Not a word. I couldn't even cry or yell or say "mmmm" if I wanted to. She screamed on and on and on and I just stood there. She eventually must have become self satisfied because she grabbed her keys and walked out the door (keep in mind this is all at 8:50 am and she is my ride to work and she left me to walk in the rain - thank god I have a cabbie that has become a friend of mine and he rescued me). As soon as she slammed the door I had a sharp thought, all in a quarter seconds time. "Fight back Jamie, don't let her get the satisfaction. RUN. SAY SOMETHING." I opened our apartment door and "FUCK YOU" escaped from my mouth down the hallway at her. She called me white trash again. Then she was gone.
Then I lost it. I was hysterical when I called my cabbie. The funny thing is as soon as her heard my trembling "mike.." he said "omg, what did your sister do to you?" My cabbie even knows she is crazy and I don't even talk to him about her, maybe like once before. He told me on the ride to work that he has seen her a couple times around the apartment when he has been picking up customers and she always has a angry look of her face or she is fighting with someone on the phone. This comment actually made me crack a smile. It's so insane that a complete stranger figured 'her' out by just watching her body language and mannerisms. He told me one time he was waiting outside for a customer and he saw me, her and another girl walk out of the apartment together and he said I looked so sad and just stared at my feet as I walked with her. He never told me this before. It was all so true.

At work my mood turned around. I decided instead of sitting around and having her verbally abuse me, I was going to give her everything she asked for. I don't like 'get even' thoughts and plans, I think they are immature and beneath me, but what the hell else is there to do about this? I even talked to mike this morning about it and he was like "Jamie....don't stoop to her level...you are better than this..." and I know he's right. But at the same time I know that there is no way our relationship will ever be mended after this fight so i think "meh.....DO IT." So I am not going to say exactly what I did to her things yesterday night (thank you my 2 girls for your text suggestions!) but basically, she drank the water, ate the food and used the toothbrush. I got ready for work all the while giggling with an evil smirk in my closet. Now I was satisfied.

I did this secret sabotage all the while doing shots of....come on ladies WILD GUESS....Southern Comfort. I videoed me doing all these things and sent them to Clem and Anastasia. We were all hysterical in laughter and sheer disgust. It was awesome. BUT THEN IT HAPPENED.

I went into the bathroom to tie my hair up because the shots were making me a bit toasty and I saw the fat hanging off my arms. I lost it. I called Clem hysterical. Thank go for her. After we got off the phone I just wanted to cut off the fat. I wanted to cut off my arms. I didn't want to deal with actual cuts though. Since my last slice to my arms led me to a immediate care center for stitches, I told myself I would find other ways to get out my frustration. I started banging my forearms on the fine edge of my counter top. Over and over and over and over. I screamed and cried. I woke up this morning and it looks like someone took a bat to my forearms. For some reason, it made me smile.

So now I sit her at my desk, ok, satisfied, I guess. I got into it again with her this morning and she went off the deep edge again. She told me that she is going to the complex office today and telling them I am a drug addict (which I'm not by the way) because she wants me out of the apartment. I laughed and said 'please god do it, then I don't have to live with you for another 6 months.' I laughed some more as I told her 'good luck' on getting approved for an apartment in this rich town with you 200 credit score and many bills in collections. I laughed again when I told her 'have fun paying the 2,000.00 they charge for breaking a lease.' I walked away satisfied knowing that the lease, furniture and everything in that apartment down to the spoons in forks is mine or in my name because despite my tribulations in life I have ALWAYS paid my bills on time and for being 22 I have a 720 credit score. Thanks mommy for teaching me so well. I love you.

My plan for the rest of the day.......Read my Star Magazine, Start reading the book "Wasted" that I ordered from Amazon.com and JUST RECEIVED TODAY (YIPPEEEEE!!), maybe eat a snack cuz I'm kinda hung over. I'm ok with a snack. I brought some lettuce and a peach to work today. And then watch some more of my British sitcom. Around 4 I will start to brace myself for what will be when I get home from work. I pray she is at her bf's, being a bitch to him (poor guy, they have only been together for 2 months) and stays away all night leaving me alone with the remaing SoCo and "Wasted." Despite everything I feel ok, I'm ok, and I think I am ok with being ok, ya know?

As always I will keep you ladies posted as for the future happening. I love you all and hope everyone is doing well. Starve well and think thin, think like a whisp of air and you shall become it.

Jamie