Feeling......Ho Hum.......

Many a thing to discuss today.......let's catch up....

Okay two day fast........FAILURE. No binging but I blew it yesterday with margarita and sushi at like 11pm (I WAS SO CLOSE!!). Today I am at:

1 Cup coffee, wait no...2 cups of coffee
6 Pretzels sticks.....the mini ones
1 Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry

****Side Note: Has anyone tried this new Dr. P yet? OMG AWESOME!!! Great with Vodka too!

******Additional Side Note: Dr. P Cherry & Vodka....additional story to follow.......

Anyways, I'm feeling like a fat hog today but I'm not sad, more accepting because I always feel this way. I did a lot of cleaning around the office today to try to stay active instead just sit on my computer. Now that tax season is over it will get super boring around here. Any craft suggestions?? LOL. Lemme know ladies. I'm supposed to start auditing all of our investment files today because this other secretary that worked here for a while fucked all my work up. People are so fucking lazy ya know? It's easy to audit the files and it will make the day go by faster, but in 2005 I did a MAJOR audit and it took my two months to get everything straight, From what my boss says could be getting back into that same disaster. I swear if I ever leave my firm again I am locking the investment files up and coming in twice a month to maintain them. BUT, I'll never leave this job again. I love it too much, I mean...ya know...love it for work. Plus my health benefits are so freaking awesome and my boss pays my monthly premium of $382.00 dollars. Such a great guy. Really like a second father to me.

Okay.....Dr. P Cherry and Vodka. I don't drink vodka; I'm a whiskey girl. However, when it's in the house and there's no whiskey...why not...drink it. I was sick of wine that day. So just this past Tuesday I decided to blow off my NA and AA meetings that I am supposed to attend for court. I forged my sign in sheet....which I did amazingly.....and went home with the PLAN to have a couple drinks, clean, stay outta the fridge and blog my heart away. ACTUAL PLAN......Cleaned, had MANY drinks, Danced around my kitchen to oldies and then......turned into a emotional mess. It's really complicated but the first love of my life Ryan is in prison right now for drugs and we are just good friends now but I saw his picture on my living room end table and went from like super happy to super sad. I did the typical drunk girl thing. Called two of my friends sobbing ridiculously about him and then started turning it around and apologizing for being the shittiest friend to them and blah blah blah......Omg.........what a loser.......I know. I even called my mom. Stupid Jamie. My mom was like 'put the vodka down.' But it was too late. Here's where it gets really crappy. I used to be a BAD cutter when I was in Junior high and haven't really cut myself since then. Over the past few years I have burned myself occasionally with curling irons and such when I was pissed but like really only twice. The self mutilation part of my life has been way behind me. For some stupid ass reason while I was all upset on Tuesday I took a knife out (a quadruple blade like Ninja star thing that Ryan bought me...how ironic....) and sliced open my arm....bad. It didn't bleed bad but I could see fat hanging outta my arm and thought....shit. I ended up going to the Hospital yesterday and had to get 3 stitches and a tetanus shot. I told them I cut my arm on a piece of metal under my desk at work. I think they actually believed me...I was surprised. I feel like the biggest idiot and will NEVER cut again. I know it was the vodka.......I remember now why I don't drink the shit. However, on a bright note, I never had stitches before so it was a cool experience. I just wish it wasn't in such a noticeable spot. Thank god it's still cold in Chicago. Long sleeves.......

So to tie yesterday into today, as previously mentioned in my blog, I was supposed to go to the gym today after work with my sister since we got those awesome gym memberships. 1 problem. I don't want to stress the stitches on my left arm and I can't even lift my right arm above my chest because of the tetanus shot (I forgot how much it hurts to get a shot in your muscle). So I've been debating......do i bail on the gym?.......do I go to the gym.....? I can't go in the pool or sauna or hot tub because i can't get my arm soaked. I can't go to any of the fitness classes (even yoga) because I can't lift my arm. So......bike and elliptical. I know I can bike ok. I'm not sure about the elliptical yet but I think it is a no go because even if I don't use the motion arms i still have to hold on and will be slightly bouncing and my arm can't take that shit. I wonder if I should just stay focused on the fast and let my arm chill for the next two days. i am worried if I work out on a bad arm and I pull a muscle I won't be able to work out for even longer. I'm gunna Google how long arm pain will last from a tetanus shot...hold please. OKAY...2 to 3 days. I'm really torn here. I don't want to use my arms as a excuse. Any suggestions blog followers?

Okay here is my list for being thin:

1. I will finally be happy with my weight..or at least I think I will.

2. I will be skinnier than Megan A. from high school even though i don't know her or know what she looks like anymore. She is a standard or control I guess.

3. I will finally be able to fit into that adorable sundress I bought like 3 years ago. I bought it tight for thinspo and never got there.....

4. I will be able to wear all of my cute summer tanks without feeling like the Pillsbury dough boy.

5. I won't feel intimidated by skinny chicks. They are always judging me! I know it!

6. I will eventually gain a male significant other. I'm okay with being single...but it's nice to get checked out every once in a while.

7. I will finally beat food. I will finally be stronger than it.

8. Everyone will tell me how skinny I am and be jealous. I will feed on their jealousy. (WOW I know that sounds bad.......but whatever)

9. I will finally get over my intimidation of working out in front of people. My fat won't giggle so know one will stare at me.

10. I will finally be able to wear skirts. My polish fat calves keep me in jeans all year long. (No offense...I'm Polish too.....it's all good.)

11. My muffin top will FINALLY stop hiking my shirt up to expose itself.

12. I will actually be able to show off some of my tats.

I am sure I can think of more but that is it for now. I seriously need thinspo help. I wish I had a ED buddy that lived by me. What a great support system that would be. One can always dream I guess.

Well wish me luck....I'm off for the day! I love you Ana's and Mia's. Stay true and think thin!

Jamie