Okay so all I ate today was a freaking banana and I gained a pound. Plus I took 2 laxatives....and nothing. WTF. What is this retaining weight shit? My awesome ED buddy Nya said not to panic...it will show in the morning weigh in. I love her support but I am doubtful of that. I'm ready to throw my scale off my balcony, and then myself. I keep picturing the picture at my g-ma rose's house where I am 135.....so much better than this 151 BS. Hopefully I can get through my fast tomorrow. My sister and I are supposed to go to the gym tomorrow morning. I hope that helps. It's going to be a long day for sure. I hope there is a yoga class in the morning. I don't have my own mat though...hmmm.....I wonder if that matters. I would think they have some to lend....X-sport is a balling gym......I'll have to check it out.
I stare at my glass of Pinot.......the best calories in the world.......alcohol. Mmmmm....
To update my stiches are healing very well. I don't take them out until next Saturday but my wound look promising. Over time this scar will disappear just like they others. I'm glad. God, what a drunk idiot I was.
RYAN CALLED TODAY!! I am so happy. He called during community service and after 20 minutes I got yelled at to get off the phone but it was so worth it. I miss him so much. He's up for work release and could potentially be in Chicago by next month. It would be so great to see him. It's been about 3 years. I love him so much, I don't know what I'd do without him. I hope we remain friends forever. I hope things are good with us when he is done with prison. He's such an amazing person. I've never met anyone that I related so much to. He's really my best friend. He knows everything about me good and bad. And he still loves me. My heart melts for him......
I thought about it today and besides Ryan I have been alone for 4 years this December. Long time with no boyfriend. I wonder what makes my so undesirable? I mean, obviosuly, I'm a huge cow, but otherwise I think I'm a pretty laid back and cool chick. I see all these bitches with great guys and I just don't freaking get it. I'm hoping FATE has some amazing alterior plan I am unaware of. No one should ever be alone. I'm so lonely most times. It really sucks balls.
There are these guys next to me in the computer lab right now. They chatted me up but I think they think I am a crazy ass. My stiches are all hanging out and I'm drinking. I spilled wine all over myself while they were talking to me......smooth Jamie......so smooth. Of course this all happens after I type the paragraph about ....."WHY AM I ALONE....??" There's your sign dumbass.........I smell like a bottle of wine.......
I need to get to a craft store. I'm getting ansy about not having my red bracelet. I need to make one. Plus crafts are fun. Ho Hum...
Well gunna catch up on my other blogs. Until tomorrow,
Jamie
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I always feel alone too and i think the boyfriend idea has become hopeless. The last time I was dating anyone was in college in 2006. I've resigned myself to the idea that i'll probably be alone forever and I just need to get used to it and move on. My therapist told me that the reason im not in a relationship is because I don't trust people, i'm too guarded, and make myself unapproachable. (aka- "youre a total bitch"). I don't think that I can really change any of those things. Just the idea of making myself vulnerable scares me to death. I just can't do it.
ReplyDeleteWhy is Ryan in prison? Were you dating him before?
I met Ryan 8 months before he got raided by the cops for mass distribution of cocaine. Apparently they had been tracking him for months. He got a plead bargain for 11 years vs 60 if he went to court...extreme I think for drugs....but he has 2 kids from a prior marriage so I advised him to go 11 years. He has served 5 and is up for work release this MAy 1st. He is totally done with prison in April 2010. You can only serve half time for drug charges if you behave yourself.
ReplyDeleteWe dated for 4 months before he left and 9 months while he was in prison. It got really crazy at times and he was always jeolous thinking I was dating someone and lying to him...which i never was. Long story short we were engaged at one point but aren't anymore, just really good friends. I miss him everyday. I don't know what the future holds for us but I hope it is something good. I know at the least we will always be best freinds. I am grateful for that. It's just really hard when you love someone so much and can't be with them.