Rationalization is the DEVIL

I rationalized all fucking day. I will exercise, I will not drink. I got home with the 2 Liter of diet coke and rationalized again....I will drink until nine and then go work out half drunk while i watch my favorite show..Taking The Stage. The I rationalized buying a bag of Scoops and a jar of Con Queso chips for a ridiculous price in the shoppe, as long as i puke and work out it's okay. Then I must have gotten food high because i rationalized buying 3 pizza's from pizza hut. FUCK YOU 3 FOR 5 EACH DEAL!!!! I managed to shove a whole pizza down my throat and puke twice when my sister busted in the door from work a whole hour early. FFFUUUUUCCCCKKKKK. Busted. Disgusted the whole situation well however. We both ate and watched my favorite show. An hour later I am ready to fucking kill myself. I don't think I have been this sad about my weight in a very long time. Of course, I'm sad everyday. But this is the first time I have wanted to die over my weight. I wish I could just freak out right now, scream cry, blast fucking heavy metal, cut myself....the usual........but I'm surrounded by normal fucking people. I'm going to vomit.