Jesus Christ I feel like shit today. I purposely put on the most unflattering outfit this morning to punish myself for the past 4 days of binging........yes that;'s right....binging. Obviously I didn't stand a chance at my friends house this weekend. Why is it that whenever it a girls weekend it means "eat as many calories as your fast ass can manage..."???? I ate pizza, Chinese food, oreo's, pasta, DQ ice cream, french fries, a sub sandwich and Doritos.......it's like a ate every possible terrible thing that I have been craving for the past month. Needless to say I came home weighing in at huge 160......awesome Jamie.....you're a fucking retard.
On top of carrying around the guilty from binging along with the weight of my fat body, I decided an the WONDERFUL idea of drinking almost half of a handle of Southern Comfort yesterday, alone, as usual. AND, as usual, everything started out fine........talked to Christine on the phone (she was drunk at a bar with John and Gable) laughing my ass off, did the typical sexy dancing around my kitchen...blahdy blahdy. Then I fucking take out a letter that Ryan sent me from my purse and begin to read his sweet words and CRASH! I fall into the PIT OF DEPRESSION DARKNESS...just like knife night. Instead of just crying ALONE and dealing with it ALONE, I call Christine and try to 'rationalize' my committing suicide to her on the phone. I am the bestest friend aren't I? Of course she's freaking the fuck out hysterical crying cuz she's just a tanked as I am.....jesus.....we talked for like and hour and i don't even remember how we ended our conversation. I text her today apologizing and haven't heard back. I can't blame her for being super pissed off at me. The I called Anastasia (I love that bitch) and I'm pretty sure I explained the situation to her and again tried to rationalize me committing suicide. I only half remember the conversation. I woke up at 5am almost ready to piss my pants, apparently I made it to bed at some point. By the 12 missed calls I had on my phone I am figuring I was asleep my 11ish. I was pissed to discover that I ate a whole box of Morning Star buffalo nuggets and a box of Velveeta Mac N Cheese. I don't remember vomiting either. Double Gold Star.
Today I've eaten 4 Tbsp. of peanut butter. I keep a jar at work and their was only that much left. I decided enough was enough and just finished the damn thing. It's over now. I know I need to go home and work out. I'm debating on jogging to Target and back, but the cloudy shitty weather keeps me from wanting to go outside. But my sister keeps me from wanting to stay inside. She is supposed to be going to Brittany Spears tonight if she can get tickets..she went last night too. Originally I though she was working a double. I think it was an old schedule on the fridge. Damn. I cannot stand to be around her. I came up with another project list at least. Hopefully that will keep my busy so I don't eat and if she is home it will keep me from having to deal with her constant bitching.
Well I got to wrap things at work. I'll be on later assuming I can grab a spot at one of the computers in the lab at my building. Until Later......
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