I am so sick of myself. I am so sick of this body.
I miss the days when I would look in the mirror and feel half decent about myself. I miss the days of 135........I miss the days of self control....I miss having a skinny friend to keep my going.
I look at my bulging stomach under my long dress and I sit in my desk chair today. I can't help but keep thinking "You're a disgusting pig........you closet eat...you lie about eating.......your so weak so can't even stop putting food in your mouth and loose some god damn weight......you fucking looser....." Yet somehow I still manage to lie face down and ass up so food can rape me everyday.....
165...165....1fucking65! Are you kidding me Jamie? Really...???? You haven't been this fat in years.....what happened to the promises you made yourself? What happened to all that hard work? Are you just going to let it be thrown in the trash just like the left over scraps from food you shovel into you fat mouth?
I almost wish I had a controlling boyfriend who called me fat and wouldn't let me eat and would beat the shit outta me if I gained weight or didn't work out. I'm so weak I need someone to puit me down and make me choose food or death...WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THIS FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!
WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING SUCH A FAT FUCK!!!!
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Sometimes I go through these phases too, where I keep sabotaging myself with food....I think that I do that when I restrict too hard without being fully prepared. Maybe you could start eating a bit more but really clean, healthy food, and then very slowly start cutting back? This might help the binging, because I always feel like a binge (or just eating a bad food) is much more likely if I've been restricting a lot.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better soon!! Just remember that YOU are in control of this! If you need support I'm here for you :)