I repeat above statement.......ok seriously speaking, the whore part is just an adjective added from anger....but I am seriously disgusting. I got so high this weekend and I just laid around and binged and purged and it was just like old times...in all it's good and bad ways. I smoked my last bowl this morning in my bathroom before I showered for work. I don't know if weed makes you appear bloated or something, but I looked like total shit.
I was so depressed this weekend. I didn't even go see any one my friends. I laid in my old bed at my mom's and got high all weekend. I binged and purged ad got no exercise. It was nice to re-live the old days, when I used to smoke pot every day, but i hated the binging part. So to say the least, my weak, disgusting lard ass is back up to 155. I'm back on the wagon.
My roomie is supposed to be going out of town at the end of this month.....a week to Florida and then a weekend to Springfield. I am hoping this will clear a lot out of the cabinets before then. I want to focus on that time I am alone. I don't want to get into a funk and just sit around all day.
I am so disgusted with myself. I noticed my double chin this weekend. I haven't seen that thing in years. I feel like I am 14 and super fat again. Shit, I bet if I cut my hair I'd look the exact same. I need to start taking the bus in the morning and getting that walk in. I figure If I take the bus one way, it's about 20 minutes, so if I take the bus each way everyday, that's 40 minutes of walking alone. Then if I could just get in the gym for an hour, I would be golden. I just need to stop binging, stop laying around. I mean i hold the 'power of fatness' in my hands. WHy can't I just starve and exercise and make it my life? Why am I so weak to food? I am so angry with myself. June 1st is right around the corner and I have made no progress. I am a fat useless piece of orgar......
I'm so fucking weak. I wish I could just die.
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Hey, i know exactly how you feel. I had a disgusting weekend as well.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, everyone is "weak to food" at some point or the other. Ana is a tough task master and she works us hard as hell. And naturally there are time we want to revert back to our old ways, when life is so much simpler, easier and less work. But I guess we just have to remember that we can't be happy without Ana, so falling back once in a while is a good reminder of that. So don't worry about slipping once in a while, I'm pretty sure it happens to everyone (happens to me all the time actually, as ashamed as i am to admit it). Just get up and keep going. You ARE strong enough!